If I write it down and don't post it, does it even exist?

I keep starting posts and then never finishing them. 

Well... I never rework them. 

They're awful. And that's not me being humble. They are bad. 

It's partially because I'm writing with an audience in mind. I know I'm going to press that little orange "Publish" button at the top right and it will go live. Now, will anyone see it? That's a different question. 

But a moot point. 

I miss the days I used to write for fun. Writing the character back stories of Junior High superhero girls who would prevent jaywalkers. Yes, that's a real story I wrote in Junior High. All the characters were based on me and my friends. My character's name was Destiny. I think this was before I heard of Destiny's Child. If you think that's a bad name, just know it's better than the original name I wanted for my future daughter: Mocha.

For the record, I do not have kids. Based on my name preferences, it's probably for the best. 

An old friend recently asked me if there was a story I was most proud of writing.  Without skipping a beat I told her the Supersquad. She laughed, she was the illustrator for the never-released comic book version, so she was very familiar with the plot line. She then asked me what it felt like to have peaked at such a young age. 

It fucking sucks. 

My imagination has been replaced with anti-capitalist rhetoric. I wish I was clever enough to somehow turn it into an allegory of a story (is that even the correct rhetorical device? I had to memorize 100 of them in College and it clearly stuck). 

I don't even know how to create a character anymore. It used to be something that came so naturally to me. It was my way of avoiding boredom. Create characters and make up their story.

Like the moment I learned the rules of fiction and nonfiction writing was the moment I lost my creativity. It was easier before I knew the structure. Now that I know, am I doing it right? 

Maybe I should delete it and try again?

Then repeat. 

And end with nothing on the page as I scroll through Buzzfeed. 

But I can't even blame the rules. I wonder if I'd be more inclined to write for myself knowing no one would read it. But what's the point if no one will read it? 

And that's where I get stuck. The point is in the craft. This is partly why I'm not worried about AI taking over my job. The joy is in making something, not the final product. And, much like handmade, artisanal products, there will be a need for non-AI written stories. People add their personal touch from real-life experiences that AI won't be able to replicate. 

Mimic. Yes. But it won't be authentic. 

When I am not on Blogger (which is all the time (remember when I was going to post daily here)),  I'm a copywriter. I have to create succinct emails, taglines, and web copy. I can still write blogs and tell a story as a copywriter, but it better be in the right tone and voice, include the top SEO search terms, and be easily scannable.  

I'm a huge Chuck Palahniuk fan. I went to one of his live readings where he read a short story about a young guy with a grotesque dick. It had growths, slime, and sludge, and for some reason, he had to find the right girl to suck it. I can't remember why. I think it was for a bigger, grand mission. So he regularly brought women to his apartment to find "the one". If they refused, he had no other choice but to kill them. It was a happy ending though, he finally found the lucky lady who was willing to make the sacrifice. 

That's the author I'm influenced by. And now I have a job where I have to somehow create ten different versions of "stock up for the holidays!" 

No wonder I'm stuck. 

I saw a meme recently of a letter Kurt Vonnegut had written to a high school student. He instructed them to write a poem. Afterward, he told them to tear it up and never show anyone. The point was to create it. The joy and the pride came from the process. 

I think about that a lot. I have a couple creative hobbies that are for me. I'm purposely not posting photos on the Insta or trying to somehow monetize them like with everything else I do. 

I think with writing though, it's a bit more personal. My first love. It came so naturally to me. I never used to question it. I never used to care what people thought. I used to write because it brought me joy. I could effortlessly create entire people who had relationships, jobs, and homes. It's almost like I was their God. 

Okay, that's extreme, but I think you get the point. 

I miss loving the thing I love to do. And I miss doing it for me.

I'll leave this on an ironic note (one of the 100 rhetorical devices I learned), with a click of the orange  "Publish" button at the top right.